Where is the Love?

I am writing this blog with my eyes swollen and my nose blocked, my head and heart aching. Throbbing headache. I just came back from church but it was merely an empty trip. My Pastor is preaching on a 4 part series of Tabernacle. A powerful bible seminar. I spent like $50 today just to take cab to go church even though I am honestly dead broke. Braved the rain and all. What did I get?

Lately, there have been too many distractions and disappointments going on in my life. I must say my walk with God is affected and becoming shaky. I prayed about it and was determined to get back on track. I want to make sure i do not allow myself to get into the path of backsliding.

Well...suppose to meet a cg member today. She is so-called the main cg helper. I was waiting for her at the lobby as agreed only to find out that she went down to the main auditorium first becos the hall is opened. I asked that she help me get a seat while i rushed down. Soon i got an sms from her saying that she only got 2 seats for her husband and herself. I was a bit startled. Firstly, i didn't know her husband was joining her. I mean i even offered to buy her dinner and all while we were sms-ing the whole afternoon abt meeting up. How did I know that she is not meeting me only? Secondly, she went down to the main audi without telling me beforehand. When i asked her to help get a seat for me, she sounded unwilling before she even tried. Thirdly, when she msg to say she got a seat with her husband, it sounded like it was a world just for she and her husband in her mind. She didn't offer to meet up with me to help get a seat or even to say 'hi' even though she knew i was all alone? It crossed my mind - are we friends? are we cg members? Is she the so-called main cg helper? Her husband feel ok to be seated there with her when i am frantically looking for seats alone? No questions asked of me...

At that point then I heard there is such a thing of getting tickets for working adults. Called my cell gp leader, was told that she doesn't have any tickets. Told me to be thick-skinned and get a seat myself. I was a bit upset i wasn't told beforehand there is such a thing as can get tickets!

Where is everyone? Why is it everyone is either not there or caring about themselves only?

Well, i decided i should be strong. So i went around looking for seats. Afterall i only needed one seat for myself, shouldn't be too difficult. However, the hall was largely packed. Some people were still booking seats. I tried to ask but no one wanted to give up a seat. I asked the ushers but they all asked me to ask the next usher. Then i told 2 ushers that there are seats but being booked by people and by now seats should no longer be booked. The ushers told me that if i found a seat, just sit and tell the people they cannot book anymore. I went to a row where there are like 4-5 empty seats. I tried to ask for one but a lady refuse to give me saying their members are coming down. So i said they cannot book anymore. And the men in the cg came towards me aggressively, standing very close to me, threatening me. 2 adult men and 2 adult females. One men grabbed hold of the seats and didnt allow me to sit on them or to place my bags on them. The other shouted at me and talked to me aggressively. Another lady pushed me and asked me "What's your problem?". As if she want to fight. I said again they cannot book seats by now. They said, "ask the usher to come and talk to us". Well, i did and the ushers just looked at me helplessly and said, u tell them that yourself. I was upset, helpless, all alone, bullied and in tears. I left.

I cannot understand why there are such people attending church. They don't deserve to be there, becos they are not reflecting in their lives what they are being taught. So what if they got a seat, and on the outward sight appear to be holy and hungry for the word of God? They got it by force. Ugly, unsightly.

I talked to my cell gp leader thereafter. Perhaps we are of different wavelength. Perhaps i was too worked up and emotional. I felt reprimanded for not having the right attitude of staying. I felt blamed for not knowing there are tickets to get just becos i wasn't there the last 2 weeks. Yes, she did comfort me, it was only after. I don't blame her. She was to be objective about it. I'm just plain emotional. She was focused on stiring me to get me back to church and getting me a seat. I just needed to feel loved and cared for at that point.

I called shIan later. He is the last person i wanted to call then becos he is a non-christian and i don't want him to have a bad impression of church and people from church. However, i had to call him becos i cannot stop crying. But timing wasn't right. He was about to have classes and couldn't really talk to me. And honestly, my bf isn't exactly gd with words. He has a nice heart but not a sweet talker. Situation wasn't eased.

Came home and talked to Winnie. As usual, Winnie made me feel loved. Thank God for a friend like her. She comforted me and encouraged me. Truly, I am touched.

I love God and I love the word of God. God sees my heart and he will be the person to bring justice to me. God knows everything that has happened and I am sure HE will honour me for my efforts. I will not be brought down by these people. I will make an effort to go for the seminar again tomorrow. Though i am broke to take cab. Though i have to rush from work and i am not sure i can leave on time. Though i am physically tired. God sees it all. God knows. I am sure he will make a way for me to be there as long as i want to, as long as i am willing.

Dear God. Help me to forgive those people who hurt me. I lift all the hurts to you. I let the vengence be yours. I let you be the judge on my behalf. I pray you will convict the hearts of these people. Let not the rough and unreasonable rule in our church. Empower the ushers. Let them not be useless statues that just stand around. Give them the ability to handle situations like this.

Dear God. I pray for the people in my church. I pray especially for the members of my cell gp. I pray that everyone can have the love for one another. Genuine, sincere love for one another. Let not anyone be selfish or to care only for themselves. Give me the capacity to love even those that have hurt me.

Dear God. U see my heart that is wholly after you. Let me not be distracted by unworthy people or unworthy cause. I pray for peace in my heart. Help me to focus on you and not look to the left or to the right. Give me strength - physically, mentally and spiritually to make the effort to go down and receive your word tomorrow. Help to make it possible for me to get there in time. Help me to go with expectation and let me receive a new revelation as i make my way to the seminar tomorrow.

I pray all these in Jesus' mighty name - AMEN!